Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
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Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
bro what is going on at twitter
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Sounds like a bargain
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.