I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.