[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Oh we’ve met.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas