Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
This is a whole mood;
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
He-man has a Masters degree
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?