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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
British people be like I’m Bri ish