Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.