I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
cats when you pet them too long:
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me