I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*