For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*