I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Happy Taco Tuesday
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.