Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
So that’s what we looked like?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I can’t wait!
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!