[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse