My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?