When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Dead sexy!!
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.