Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
You Might Also Like
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
A French press is when you hug naked
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“How’s your day going?”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.