GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
You Might Also Like
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.