Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash