Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Perfect
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper