If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.