me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Where’s my employee discount too?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet