Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
You Might Also Like
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.