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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children