“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Customize Your Wedding.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings