Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart