heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.