Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
This kid is a star!
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.