I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.