my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.