I’m sorry…what?
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.