Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
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It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me :
All Day At Night
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*