[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Phones down.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh