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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.