I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker