y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I can’t deal with men any longer
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
bad news gang
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out