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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
man i love columbo
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving