There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
We found love in a hopeless place.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.