There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.