Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
not seeing the problem
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
A leaf blower, but for people.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
fired