“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*mops up wine with cat*
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Flowers bee like
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much