4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
#damn
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art