Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue