Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
#Caturday
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.