The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You Might Also Like
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Don’t make me out nice you.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Finally, a door that understands me
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here