Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
#polloftheday
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.