Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Merry Christmas
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Lmfaoooooo
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit