Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Bill is short for Billiam
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Beware of fowl play.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope