I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’