Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Single and childfree like Jesus
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Important reminders
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww