Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes