Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.